It’s inevitable that one day we will all experience the upset of being told that someone close to us is seriously ill and may not survive. It’s natural for when that time comes, we’ll completely change character for a period of time before settling back to our normal routine. Everything that we hold true as morals and principles and traits may well start to fall away from us as we question everything that we once held true. This is perfectly normal – you’ve just had a massive shock to your routine and systems. Whilst our mortality is an inevitable fact, we still don’t properly accept or understand it until someone close is affected.
Even if you’re prepared for it, the true implications probably won’t sink in until the day actually arrives. I know this is true with me. I’ve probably had one of the worst weeks of my life and I’m not saying that lightly. This week alone I attended a funeral on Tuesday, on Wednesday my grandad was diagnosed with having cancer, and there was another family funeral on Friday. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s not the greatest week one could have!
Clearly I’m distrought at all of this news, and it’s a terrible time for all of the family and a massive energy drain. Despite all of this, I remain positive and as upbeat as possible through these hard times. I won’t lie; I’m extremely upset and frustrated – maybe even at times angry and bitter at nature – and want to ask why nature has dealt such a cruel blow when things were all going so smoothly… but by the same token I’m content in the knowledge that I’ve been given a kick to push for even more from myself and that the family will be brought together in unison. It’s a real push-pull of emotions and it can be incredibly difficult to manage and maintain positive focus.
So given the series of trauma and my natural reactions, how have I managed to keep going and gain some positives and write this article?
In a few short words: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques, and lots of faith and trust in my own capacity to deal with life’s challenges.
I’ve been using two key techniques that we use in Neuro-Linguistic Programming which are commonly used for conflict resolution and phobias. Surely enough, dealing with bereavement is connected with our fear of loss and change, whilst we are in conflict with our own feelings about how we should deal with the situation. I’m sure that if you’ve dealt with bereavement you will have rapidly changed your mood and been upbeat one minute, then feeling guilty and low the next.
This is a perfectly normal reaction and is absolutely fine. It can often be an ease on your emotions to adopt a few mental management techniques. For my own benefit, I’ve found that one of the most supportive techniques that you can apply is the technique:
Perceptual Positions to deal with serious illness and bereavement or the death of a loved one
- Put yourself into your own perspective and play out what’s happening in the present. See, hear, and feel everything that’s happening. This is an emotionally intense time for you, so it may be difficult at first to truly connect. Experience what’s really happening around you, and how it makes you feel. Be aware of exactly how you’re feeling and how your body language, words, and emotions are affecting the current situation.
- Now put yourself into the position of the person that you’re emotional or mourning for. Picture the scene from their perspective. How do they feel? How do your reactions affect them? What do you need to do to make their experience of the situation better? What are they telling you to do? If they were fit and healthy what would they be telling you to do?
- Thirdly, put yourself in the position of a third person. Someone that you admire. Ideally an outsider with no direct emotional link to the situation. This could be someone in your personal life that you admire or respect, or it could be a famous person. Whoever it is, it should be someone that you respect and admire. See the current scene played out from their eyes. How do they interpret your actions? How would they do things differently? What would you need to change to please this person of respect? What would they be saying to you that would enforce a change inside of you?
- Now sit back and evaluate what you have learned. From what you have learned, what would need to change to make this new behaviour possible? Would this new behaviour be of benefit to you and those around you? Would these changes make the situation better to deal with? Are there any negative implications of this new behaviour?
- If you are not entirely happy with your new position, repeat the process and substitute the unfavourable experiences for new refined and improved ones. Keep repeating the process until you are happy that you have a formula that will be of benefit to you. Remember that your old behaviour did once serve you, however it is now time to let go and adopt this new approach which will make your experience more positive and will help those around you to benefit also.
- Once you are comfortable with this change, go back into playing out the scene from your own perspective, but this time act it out with your new, better serving, manageable approach. How does this new approach feel? Is it right? Does it serve you better than your old behaviour? If so, try to repeat the process of seeing the new approach twice a day until it’s firmly embedded in your mind. Play it out so that no other eventuality is possible and you’re able to conduct yourself in this way for real. It will soon become as much a part of your reality as anything else and will in time feel natural and right.
Upon completing the process, you will have a greater capacity to take a little bit of the edge off the pain and intensity, or even detach from the intensity of the situation completely. Sure enough you will still feel some upset, however you’ll be much better equipped to deal with the situation and pull through it stronger and more resilient.
There is certainly honour in dealing with illness and bereavement in this way, and there can be no feelings of disrespect in your mind. I know it’s often hard to “act like normal” because it appears as though you’re not being respectful, but in truth we’re only ever mourning for our own loss. The most important thing is to stay strong and maintain a good support network whilst using the above technique to manage your emotions.
If you would like to try an alternative technique, I will soon publish another article outlining a technique which enables you to break from the intensity of the situation by interpreting the scene it as though you are watching it from the outside. It’s a technique used in NLP usually to cure fears and phobias, and I’ve found it to transfer perfectly into situations of loss and upset. You will effectively cut out a lot of the emotional attachment that doesn’t serve you productively. We’re all human, so you’ll still have emotional attachment, but this technique will help you to manage your emotions and get more positivity and quality time out of the unfortunate situation. I will share this technique with you in the coming days – for now I must support my family!
EDIT 7th July 2009: Since writing this article, my grandfather has sadly passed away. He died peacefully in his sleep. Thank you to everybody for your kind words of condolence.
