Each new year many of us attempt to commit to a New Years Resolution – usually giving up something we like.  This more often than not results in failure to achieve your goal – or more accurately, failure to achieve the punishing regime that you’ve set yourself.

If you remove a cup of water from the ocean, the rest of the ocean immediately rearranges itself to fill that space.  A cup-shaped hole is never left behind.  Your life goals should work in exactly the same way.

Why do New Years Resolutions rarely work?

New Years Resolutions are simply not compelling enough to make you want to stick to them.  Ask someone what their New Years Resolutoin is and you’ll more often than not hear one of the following:

• I’m going to stop smoking
• I’m going to give up alcohol
• I’m going to stop going shopping as much
• I’m going to stop eating fatty food

I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting the important words in each of the statements above.  These are important because all of them – whilst describing the action you’re going to take – are inducing of negative actions.  Of course they are all meant with positive intentions, but the mere thought of preventing yourself from doing something that you take pleasure in can often be enough to breed resentment and negativity towards your goal.

If you’re constantly telling yourself “I’m going to stop doing this thing that I like”, you’ll often face inner resistance no matter how much you believe in what you’re trying to achieve.

How can you create a more compelling New Years Resolution?

If you’re going to have a New Years Resolution, immediately stop thinking about what you’re going to stop doing, and begin thinking, talking, and acting like what you actually do want to do.  For example, here’s a more compelling and desirable way of rewriting the previous resolutions:

• I’m going to stop smoking become a healthy non-smoker
• I’m going to give up alcohol drink more water and fruit juices and look after my body
• I’m going to stop going shopping save money to improve my standard of life for the future
• I’m going to stop eating fatty food eat more healthy foods and cut down on the things that are bad for my health

As you can see, the above goals are now more constructive and working towards an achievement rather than focussing on changing something.  You’re now working towards a replacement for the original thing which gave you pleasure.

For everything in your life that you want to remove, you must replace it with something else, and the best way to achieve your resolutions is to replace that thing with something that drives and motivates you more.

If you remove a cup of water from the ocean, the rest of the ocean immediately rearranges itself to fill that space.  A cup-shaped hole is never left behind.  Your life goals should work in exactly the same way.

How can I improve my chances / How can I set my goals?

We released an article about goal setting, which we would recommend you to follow rather than setting a simple New Years Resolution.  Goal setting can help to transform your entire life in a miriad of ways, ranging from your physical condition to your career goals and relationship goals.  The goal setting exercise allows you to really get creative and work out what you want more than anything else, and then whittle down your desires into manageable action-driven goals.  By setting yourself compelling bite-sized actions, you’re more likely to achieve, by firstly working on the small goals to gather momentum, then using that momentum to achieve the greater goals.

The original goal setting article can be found by following this link.

Good luck with your New Years Resolution and achieving your goals.  Remember, if you create compelling and desirable goals, you’ll stand a much greater chance of achieving them.

Are you looking to make a change in your life?  You might be embarking on a new career, an exciting new project, or maybe setting a New Year’s Resolution.  Whatever your aims, you can improve your chances of succeeding by doing a great goal setting exercise…

If you ask any successful person how they achieved the things they have, you’ll usually always hear about their vision and idea for something.  An idea for success, maybe… An idea for happiness… possibly.  An idea that compelled them to act and make sure it became a reality… most definitely!

Success can be measured in a number of ways and criteria dependant on your own goals in life, and your own set of beliefs.  Success to you might be losing a little bit of weight, it might be buying a new car, or having a top level executive job.  Success might even be something which benefits other people.  It could be doing work for charity, raising awareness of a condition, or providing a valuable service to your community.

Whatever your goals and ideas for success are, you can achieve them with a few easy – yet important – steps.  This article will help you to set your goals for the year ahead and begin creating the future that you really want.

The Technique

We will break your goals down into a few key (and easily digestibe) parts.  This will help you to set specific goals in all areas of your life, and to avoid falling into the trap of spending too much time and energy in one or two areas, and neglecting the rest of your life progression.

Step 1 – Establishing what you really want

For all of the following categories, write down anything that you would like to change.  It doesn’t matter how trivial, or grand that these objectives are.  The important thing is that you write them down.  Don’t worry, we won’t need to achieve all these just yet, and you’re not binding yourself to a personal development contract quite yet!  Don’t think about how attainable these goals are, or what’s stopping you from getting them.  Just be creative and excitable and naive about it.  Write down what you would really want if you could have anything, but don’t forget the trivial things too – those can be the most rewarding and fun to achieve.

• Relationship/Family Goals – How do you want your love life to change?  If you are single, do you want to find a partner?  If newly married do you want to start a family? Whatever your age, maybe you want to devote more time to your parents, grandparents, or siblings?
• Financial Goals – How would you like your financial position to alter?  How much do you want to earn, and when?  Do you want to invest in anything?
• Career Goals – What do you want to be doing?  Do you want to carry on as you are?  Do you want to progress in your current job?  Do you want to change jobs/career?  Do you want to set up your own business?
• Creative Goals – Is there anything artistic or creative that you want to achieve?  Do you want to paint?  Do you like photography? Is there anything else you wish to achieve that’s fun and new to you?
• Contribution Goals – Do you contribute to charity or the community?  If so, what else do you want to do?  If not, do you want to help in your community with anything?  Can you help raise awareness of something worthwhile?
• Physical Goals – How do you want your body to look?  Do you need to put on some weight?  Would you like to lose some weight?  Do you want to start going to the gym, or eating more healthy foods?
• Emotional Goals – Where would you like to be emotionally?  What is happening in your life that makes you happy, and what would make you feel even better?  What’s not going so well, and what would you like to change about it?
• Educational Goals – What do you want to learn?
• Social Goals – How do you feel about your social life, and relationships with friends?  How would you like this to be different?

Step 2 – Working out what you need to do to achieve your goals

For each of the items that you listed in the first step, go through and write down what actions you would need to do to achieve the goals.  For example if one of your physical goals was “drink less alcohol”, then your action could be “Limit myself to two alcoholic drinks, twice a week”.  If your goal was “Do some painting”, then your actions might be “Join an art group.  Take painting lessons.  Visit the Richard Goodall Gallery.”  By doing this, you start to become more attuned to solving the problems that would have previously stunted your thought process.

Step 3 – Prioritisig your compelling goals

Now you should have a pretty big list of goals and actions.  Go through the list of goals and write a number next to the goal, representing how important it is that you achieve that goal.  This will help you to prioritise what you really want.  The scale should be 1 to 5, with 1 being the highest priority, and 5 being the lowest priority.

Step 4 – Being practical about your actions

Go through each of the actions that are required to achieve your goals, and label each one according to its difficulty to achieve.  Write a number between 1 and 5, with 1 being the easiest, and 5 being the most difficult.

Step 5 – Working out how long you need in order to achieve your goals

Compare your list of goals and actions, and estimate how long you’ll need to put into action.  You should label the goals in the number of years they would take to achieve, starting from 1 year upwards.  If the goal is “Eat more healthily” and your action is “eat an apple a day”, this would only take a matter of minutes to put into action, however we class this as a “Year One Goal”

Step 6 – Shortlisting and organising your goals for the year ahead

Work through each of your goals and actions that you’ve labelled as “One Year”, and start to organise them in a way that motivates you to start working towards them.  A good way to do this is to use the numbers we assigned earlier to make a priority list.

Firstly, organise your goals in numerical importance order – All the goals with a “1″ should go at the top, and the ones with a “5″ should be at the bottom.

For each of the actions, start to list them under each of your shortlisted goals in difficulty order, with the easiest at the top of the list.

This process will help you to organise things in a way that helps you build up momentum and determination throughout your year.  You will be able to see things progressing and moving in the right direction in an organic manner by tacking some of the easier action points first.  It’s like getting up a staircase – you need to start by walking up the lower steps so that you can easily reach the higher ones – If you removed teh low steps, you’ll struggle to get the momentum to reach the higher ones.

Step 7 – Review your goals

Have a look through your list of goals for this year.  Does it make you feel good and determined to succeed?  Are you happy with everything in the list?  Is there anything missing?  If you’re not entirely satisfied, work back and see what you can change.

Step 8 – Take action

You’ve got your action plan in front of you now.  You have a set of goals, and a list of things you need to do to achieve them.

• Copy the list onto a chart or large piece of paper.
• Stick the list to your wardrobe, bathroom cabinet, front door, fridge, or anywhere else for you to see each and every morning, day, and night.  This will help you to commit to the goals and keep them fresh in your mind.
• Find photos of what you want to achieve and print them, keeping them wherever you’ve stuck your list.  This will give you a visual cue to achieve your goals.  If you’ve not got photos, do a quick search of Google Images and find something similar.
• Do something each and every day to work towards your goals.
• When you put something into action, highlight it on the list.
• When you complete an action, tick it off.
• When you achieve a goal, circle it.

Good luck with your goals in life.  If you would like further information or support, contact us by email, subscribe to our Twitter and Facebook channels, follow the RSS feed, email us, or leave a comment in the area below.  We’d love to hear from you.

So many people that I’ve held private sessions with have reported what I can only describe as a “silent scream from the inside”. It is much like your subconscious is trying to tell you something, but you’re unable to respond proactively. The times when you know you should do something – whether a preventative action to avert a problem, or a constructive action to attain a new goal – but you’re unable to physically or mentally engage. It is almost like you’re not paying attention to yourself, or that you’re wide asleep!

Is this inability to respond because your conscious self is afraid of what the subconscious self is asking of you? Maybe it is because your subconscious self does not have enough conviction and qualifying evidence to allow your conscious self to trust it implicitly?

I’ve noticed these difficulties when I’ve dealt with personal clients, and also sporting professionals, and have even encountered these similar situations in my own life. From my own experience it’s been a trust issue between my conscious and subconscius self, and in effect a means of your conscious self keeping itself busy stacking up conflicting evidence and really just keeping itself busy enough so that you don’t have to face something new or challenging. Remember being a child and being told to tidy your room? – I’m sure you’d conveniently not hear the request in much the same way as I did!

Take the time to listen to yourself!

This entry was inspired by Viv Craske’s article entitled “Is your confidence in a coma?”.

We’ve been getting involved in youth coaching recently through regional football and the English FA, and have been paying very close attention to the ways in which parents, coaches, and spectators interact with the children throughout the game. Coaching children in any capacity can be an extremely rewarding experience, however it must be done with the child’s best interest at the forefront. We’ve witnessed lots of destructive behaviour exhibited by parents – not only from the men! – both on and off the pitch. This can be conveyed through language, tonality, body language, and other such emotive aspects of communication.

If you’re in a position of conducting or observing youth coaching, then watch out for these key problems next time you’re there. For the sake of safety of the children and your own reputation, we advise you not to turn up unannounced if you don’t currently have links to the training venue and the participants – clubs and coaches have a legal and moral obligation to safeguard the children and are within their rights to turn you away, which could cause embarrassment despite any legitimate intentions.

Common Destructive Coaching Methods

Negative Instructions

Adults often use phrases such as “don’t do [this]” and “stop doing [that]“. Classic examples I hear on the football pitch are be “Don’t let him get past you”, and “Stop running around like that”. The first thing this does with the child is to make them break concentration and evaluate what you’ve just said. Remember that throughout schooling (especially Primary Education) a child’s grasp of language is constantly evolving and expanding, but it is still limited, and that should be considered when communicating with them. Furthermore, it makes the child question their actions and panic next time the situation arises… “what should I do? I MUST NOT let him past…”, by which point the opposition may have already slipped past, further compounding the issue and leading to further negative displays from the sidelines.

Commiseration

Consider common statements such as “Unlucky lads”, “Unlucky shot”, and “bad luck”. Whilst spoken in the heat of the moment, they can adversely affect the child’s future recollection of the situation. They will dwell on how they had bad luck, and didn’t quite succeed. Focussing on the negative elements, whilst said with the best of intentions, can be detrimental to a child’s confidence and future performance. Remember that at this time, a child’s character is shaped whilst they react and learn from experiences. Working to improve this area can have a massive effect on the child’s subconscious decision making process.

Negative Body Language

If things are not going quite right, parents and coaches regularly stand immobile, arms folded, and exhibiting generally poor body language. This is often more destructive than negative verbal communication as it is visible at all times from the whole pitch. A child only needs to look towards their parent or coach for a bit of encouragement, and instantly sees negativity from the sidelines. This further compounds the child’s negative emotions and provides no positive effects. You’re dealing with children, and children respond to encouragement and leadership, not closed body language.

Verbal Abuse

There’s no point glossing it over as “putting them in their place”. According to the English Football Association, adults persistently criticising children and barraging them with negative instruction is a form of child abuse. Children respond badly to negative instruction and negative language, and venting frustrations verbally is not going to win any psychological or motivational battles.

Interfering Parents

Parents may think they’re helping by shouting instructions to their – or other people’s – children, but it’s only going to complicate matters. The only person who should be communicating with the players in a tactical capacity is the team coach. Clubs often introduce a code of conduct for parents to adhere to, which stipulates that they must refrain from communicating tactical instructions, and refrain from any negative emotion. Parents are encouraged to respectfully applaud good play and provide positive encouragement to the whole team. Negatively vocal parents and spectators only serve to instill embarrassment and fear in the children, which contrary to the beliefs of some parents that we’ve spoken to, it does not serve to “get them in line and buck up their ideas”.

Overly Competitive Coaches & Parents

Remember when you were a child? Was it all about the winning, or did you just enjoy going out and playing in the field with your friends? Of all the children we’ve spoken to, a vast majority of them value friendship and fun above any other aspect of the game. Winning is not often a consideration for the children, however it is often imposed upon them by overly competitive coaches and parents. Kids want to have fun, but their loyalties are torn because the coaches and parents are figures of leadership, respect, and authority. Their motives and reasons for being there are questioned. Their fun is sapped away as they begin to feel that they are there for the sole purpose of winning. They become demotivated if they don’t perform to “the required standard” as set by their parents, and start to feel despondent when they have a “bad game”. The children then turn on each other, critical of their performances. All of this is because of the negative impact imposed upon them by the very people who are supposed to be setting positive examples.

In summary

Whether you’re a parent, spectator, teacher, or coach, you should refrain from exhibiting negative behaviour. Some of the children present may have personal difficulties, troubles in school, be victims of bullying, domestic abuse, or other such difficulties. Recreation and team/character building time should be for exactly that purpose alone – for the children to mix, have fun, forget about any other troubles in their lives, and to be children.

A note to parents & coaches:

Remember these signs when you’re next at a game. Look out for them, be aware, and think of ways in which you can act differently in the future. Avoid confrontation and negativity, and give the children the support and encouragement you would expect from a role model.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments area at the bottom, and share your experiences. How would you do things differently? – We will be writing a follow-up article which explores the opposite side of the coin – how you should communicate with children during sporting activities. To be kept up to date you can subscribe to our Facebook and Twitter groups, or register to receive our newsletter.

In a previous article I mentioned Tony Robbins, a fantastic author and motivational speaker from California.  If you’ve not read or listened to Tony’s work, I would highly recommend you give it a try.  His own life story is exceptionally warming and inspiring – I’m not going to give away anything about it here and spoil the experience of reading it in Tony’s words!

Regardless of whether you’re looking for help in your personal life or business life, whether you’re starting a new job or setting up a business of your own, or whether you’re scared of flying or nervous about exams, there will be something to gain from reading his books.

For a starter I would recommend the fantastic book Awaken the Giant within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Life.  It’s one of the very first books of its kind that I ever read, and is what originally got me interested in the whole arena of motivation and self-coaching techniques  Also, a fantastic place to keep up to date with the latest Tony Robbins adventures, and also to receive regular ancient motivational and inspiring proverbs and quotes is via the Tony Robbins Twitter Page.  I have updates automatically sent to my BlackBerry like a text message (sms), so it’s almost like I’ve got Tony there coaching me on a daily basis.

Many people have started seeking support to stop smoking using mental focus and willpower, sometimes combined with conventional strategies such as nicotine patches, nicotine sticks, or nicotine gum.  If you want to stop smoking with enough intensity, it’s possible to even stop smoking without any of the supplementary drug methods at all.  That’s right, many people have managed to stop smoking permanently after smoking for over 30 years just by using willpower alone.

We’ll be honest – It’s not easy unless you’re committed and willing to accept and pursue the life of a non-smoker.  By following our technique to stop smoking you will start to identify yourself as a non-smoker from the beginning.  A big part of the process is letting go of the part of your identity that attaches you to smoking.  Once you begin to believe that you are a non-smoker, you can then start to take positive action towards breaking your dependence on cigarettes and stacking up all the evidence to support your new belief with such intensity that the mere thought of smoking will repulse you!

The Technique

1. First of all, I want you to get a pen and paper and write at the top “What life will be like as a non-smoker”.  Next, work your way through the questions and suggestions below, writing your answers as sentences.Focus on what life will be like when you are a non-smoker.  You need to banish the belief that you are a smoker and start to identify yourself as a non-smoker.  How will this affect your life?  How will you feel when you are a healthy non-smoker?  What smells will you notice which were previously masked and choked by the effects of smoking on your senses?  What will people be saying to you when you have achieved this goal?  What will it be like to be able to stay in the pub and not have to leave the building for a smoke?  What will life be like on that flight to your holidays without the constant thought of getting off the plane and running to the smoker’s lounge?  What will your finances be like without the expense of cigarettes?  What else can you afford to do with the extra cash?How does this new life feel?  Do you like it?  Is it something you’re happy to attain?

   If you’re happy with it, then congratulations, you’re already making progress.  Read over your list a couple of times, then read on to step 2!

   If you’re not happy with it, then try again from the start.  Try to really believe in yourself.  You’re probably reading this because you’ve been searching for how to stop smoking, so you’ve taken the first steps… however in order to succeed you need to REALLY believe in being a non-smoker, and you need to want it enough.  If you’re not able to convince yourself of the life of a non-smoker then you might struggle to make this work.  We can’t wave a magic wand, we can merely guide and suggest – your success is dependent on how much you want it!

2. So, hopefully you’re reading on because you like the idea of being a non-smoker and you’ve produced enough references to support it.  If you’re still unsure, please read over the first step one more time to reinforce your beliefs.Now I want you to look back over your list and pick out the 6 most important important and impacting points that you wrote down.  Put a star next to each one.  It’s easier to work with half a dozen powerfully impacting motivating factors than a whole page of loose points that don’t really inspire you.Now get a fresh piece of paper and write at the top “What life is like now that I AM a non-smoker”.  It’s now time for you to start to truly believe that you are a non-smoker.  One of the most powerful things you can do to make something attainable is to act “as-if” it has already happened.  I want you to act like a non-smoker.  Believe that you are a non-smoker and start to live out that vision in your head.  Proceed to write down the 6 impacting motivational points as sentences taking in the present sense.  Start them with the words “I am…” or other such statements that really make them feel like they are happening right now.

   Is this what you REALLY want?  If not, work over your list again and make the changes you need to make this action compelling enough and comfortable enough for you to pursue.  We’re creating your future here, so it had better be good for you!

   Now read over your list.  As you read each item, begin to see, hear, and feel everything around you with this new behaviour in mind.  Repeat this process 3 times a day and watch as it becomes a part of your routine.  Eventually you won’t even need your list, but keep it anyway as a reference point of your incredible journey as a non-smoker.  The art of mastery is repetition, and only through making this new through process a habitual exercise will you start to live your life in this new way.

3. Now that you’ve built up the believe that you are a non-smoker, and you’re comfortable with how it feels, you should be raring to go with the process of actually rewiring your perception of smoking.  What we’ve done this far is helping you to build up a comfortable perception of being a non-smoker so that when we take action to stop the intake of nicotine, you will be happy with the direction that you’re heading.  Many people fail to stop because they are not prepared for life without smoking and so act in a way akin to bereavement and loss.  We’re taking the steps to help you to welcome the change and to be ready to make those all important steps and to be ready to welcome this exciting new life.People are generally more compelled to act to avoid pain rather than focus on what they do want.  We’ve already built up your impression of life as a non-smoker and now we need to help you to move away from the physical action of smoking.  So what we’ll do now is build up a list of images that push you away from smoking.
4. On a new piece of paper, think of as many negative aspects to smoking as you can.  If possible, think of things from your new non-smoker’s perspective.  Write down as many as you can, it doesn’t matter how small or trivial they appear, just write down everything that comes into your head.Now on a fresh piece of paper, write the heading “Reasons why I stopped smoking”.  On this piece of paper write in sentence form the most important and impacting of the items you just wrote down.  Remember that we’re writing this list as though it has already happened.  Think of each sentence as “I stopped smoking because…”.  We need to continue the belief that you are a non-smoker and as such we need to talk “as-if” it happened in the past – as-if you’ve already succeeded.Now whenever you read your “Life as a non-smoker” list, follow it straight away with your “Reasons why I stopped smoking”.  You will find that the two lists become very complimentary and self fulfilling.
5. We’re well on the way to creating your new life now.  How does it feel?  Are you happy with the progress you’re making?  Are you ready to step it up a level and stop yourself from putting the cigarette to your lips?  Then let’s move on…By now you may find your perception of smoking has changed and that you’re already “not as keen” on smoking.  There’s still work to do though!  We are now going to re-wire your thoughts of smoking and the way smoking triggers off your mental references.  Like any action, the physical action of smoking triggers references in your mind to events from the past.  Many people itch their neck or cheek for comfort, scratch their head when thinking, or tap their foot when they’re anxious or irritated.  What we’ll do now is utilise this fantastic human reflex action to help you to stop smoking.This can be quite a distressing step, so please make sure you’re in a place where you can be free with your emotions, ideally alone, and be completely honest with yourself.

   I want you to think of the three most distressing fears in your life.  It could be anything from the fear of spiders to the fear of death, bears, falling, heights, or any other fears that you may have.  We need to really focus and make sure that the intensity of these fears is compelling enough to shock you.  Be brave and jot down the three greatest and most upsetting fears in your life.

   Now pick one of your fears to work on.  I want you to relax, sit back, close your eyes and start to imagine this fear playing out in front of you.  Step into the situation and be aware of all of the sights, sounds, and actions unfolding around you.  Replay the situation slowly and vividly and be aware of how your emotional intensity heightens as you become more and more anxious and distressed.  Really feel the pain and the upset as though it is happening right now.  Keep this up until you feel the intensity is as high as it can get, then instantly imagine yourself picking up a cigarette.  I want you to channel all of this emotional pain into the cigarette and into the action of holding it.  Channel all of the intensity of the emotion into the cigarette, making sure that all of the emotions raised from the sights, sounds, and feelings of the event are attributed to the cigarette, and begin to create a link between the two.  Now in your mind, release the cigarette and at the same time release the negative emotions.  Think of a time when you were at your most content and release all the feelings of sadness.  Notice that the cigarette has gone.

   Repeat this process three times, each time making sure that the emotional intensity is associated with the action of picking up a cigarette.  Eventually you will make this into a habitual reaction.  You’ll realise that the mere action of picking up a cigarette will conjure up all of the feelings you once attributed to this fear.  You may even realise that the fear itself becomes less intense as you start to transfer the pain into another form – into the cigarette.

   Now repeat the last two paragraphs, this time working on your second fear, and instead of the act of picking up a cigarette, I want you to associate it with the act of putting the cigarette to your lips, and the feeling of the cigarette against your lips.

   Finally, with your third fear, repeat the two paragraphs again.  This time you will associate the pain with the act of lighting and inhaling the cigarette.

   I hope that this step was not too distressing for you.  Ideally you should have found it a little difficult, felt some emotional pain or discomfort.  Now that it’s been released into the cigarette you will be back to normal, free of the distress we manufactured.  If you found this step easy, then you’ve not done it properly!  Repeat again until you’ve felt the emotional discomfort.  Don’t be afriad of jumping into the emotion – we’re not keeping it, and it will soon be banished to the cigarette – you might even find that it reduces your fears as the cigarette adopts the pain for you!

6. Now everything is just fine and the emotions we raised have been released and are safe inside the cigarette.  If you really want to experience the pain again, all you need to do is pick up a cigarette, put it to your lips, and light it.  That is if you WANT to feel the pain – Three lots of emotional anxiety and stress wrapped up into one stick.  I know I certainly don’t want to smoke your cigarettes!Of course you don’t really want to feel the pain, do you?  As a non-smoker you have no need to do so.  You can make the choice to avoid the pain because you ARE a non-smoker.  You’re free to do as you choose.  You’re free to live your life as a non-smoker.  You’re free to live life this way in the same way that you’re free to shout from the top of a mountain, to itch your ear, tap your foot, or walk around your house with nothing on!  You’re free to make the choice and make the decision without any outside pressures.  This is as much a personal decision as whether to wear your red or black pants today!If you really want a cigarette, then light one up.  Be aware that cigarettes now have the power to cause you emotional pain.  If you still want to light up, then do it.  If you want to prove a point that you’re still capable of undoing all of our hard work and that you’re bigger and braver than the steps we’ve put in place, then go ahead.  But also bear in mind that you could jump all of the hurdles in the opposite direction and say “I did it, I was successful”.  You’ve come a long way to get here, and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.  Keep it up, keep referring back to this process when you need a top up, and by all means get in touch if you need some more help.

If this process has helped you, please share your stories of success at the bottom of this article.  I’m sure that your feedback will help others in your position to becoming non-smokers.

If you would like further assistance or help on a personal one-to-one session, please get in touch by emailing info@breakyourlimits.co.uk.

Some of you will remember the 1999 “Sunscreen Song” released by Baz Luhrmann, officially entitled “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”.

For those of you that don’t remember, Luhrmann was the director of the 1996 film adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Romeo & Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Claire Danes, Pete Postlethwaite, Harold Perrineau Jr (Michael from Lost), and an impressive supporting & cameo cast.

The lyrics for the song came from an essay entitled “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” by Mary Schmich, and published in June 1997 in Schmich’s Chicago Tribune column.  The music was taken from a track on Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet soundtrack, using Quindon Tarver’s version of “Everybody’s Free”.  Tarver also recorded a version of Prince’s “When Doves Cry”.

The Song

Here’s the song all the fuss is about.  It’s good to listen to the words, or better still watch the video, follow the pictures, then have a read over the lyrics below and properly digest them.

This song was the key factor to me first becoming interested and consciously aware of positive thinking and the benfits of a good mental approach.

Lyrics to the essay/song

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of ‘99: Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they’ve faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you can imagine.

Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blind side you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t know.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it or of what other other people think of it. It’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they’ll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They’re your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And then you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you’re 40 it will look like 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more that it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

And here’s Mary Schmich’s Chicago Tribune column that started it all: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,4054576.column

Quite a powerful and profound item, and I feel it’s still as important today as it was in 1997.  What are your thoughts?

It’s a fact that first impressions really do count.  Whether you’re in an interview for a new job, meeting new colleagues for the first time, approaching someone you like at a bar, or meeting your partner’s friends or parents for the very first time.

Any of the scenarios mentioned above are likely to be high pressure and nerve-wracking times where many people react in a panic, often resulting in appearing on edge, hysterical, or foolish.  It doesn’t take me to tell you that the first impression you are likely to create in that mental state is far from being a true refection of your real self (unless of course you are naturally on edge, hysterical, and foolish!).

A good way to handle the emotional intensity and worry of these situations is to take a few minutes in the days leading up to the encounter to align your thoughts and feelings with your true self.  You can use a simple technique that I personally use and also teach my private clients which will allow you to draw on positive and resourceful emotions and experiences in order to give you the confidence to carry these past successes into present and future situations.  As a result, you will be able to create a more positive and productive first impression helping you to secure the job, set off on the right track with your new colleagues, positively engaging the girl or guy at the bar, and helping the future in-laws to adore you!

Remember that a person’s first impression of you is based on exactly what you show them.  You can choose to act with sensitivity and compassion, or you can choose to act with guile and grit.  You can be creative and handy, or you can be contemplatory and philosophical.  Many people that you meet will know exactly how they want you to feel towards them and will act accordingly to craft your first impressions.  They do not sit there thinking “I wonder what they will think of me”.  They stand boldly and inwardly state “THIS is what they WILL think of me”.  Ultimately it boils down to focus, self-belief, and an unwavering determination to create the desired outcome.

I’ve used this very technique to help me and many others to produce the resourceful state that they need, and to attain the outcomes that they desire.  I regularly use this method before business meetings, when meeting new clients, and even in shops and amongst new circles of friends.  One thing you must always remember when using this technique is that you are true to yourself.  You may feel you want to push the boundaries and act “above your station”, but remember that you will always be found out eventually.  Over time people will realise that there’s a mismatch between the impression you’re consciously trying to create, and the person that you really are.  A classic example of this is with the reality tv show Big Brother.  Regardless of the group of housemates you will always find in the first weeks that people will act with a sense of grandeur and holyness, and it only takes a short time for the true personalities to come out, denting the trust, affinity and familiarity that the viewers once held.

The golden rule is this: When creating a first impression, make sure that it aligns with your true self.  If you act in any other way, it will eventually come back to bite you, and it WILL hurt!

“Enough of the pretext” I hear you yell… let’s put it into action!

The technique that we will use here is the “Lockbox technique” which is a mental imagery system developed by Break Your Limits.  The Lockbox technique draws on some of the best parts of several other methods commonly used by NLP Practitioners and motivational speakers throughout the world, and it really does work.

In a nutshell, the Lockbox technique gives you the capacity to draw upon any mental state that you desire for a given situation.  You can stockpile an army of emotions to fuel any situation you encounter, including excitement, fear, trauma, determination, compassion… anything you want!

The Lockbox technique can be found here: Creating A Resourceful State With Our Lockbox NLP Technique

Let us know your success stories – we’re genuinely interested in hearing how this works for you!

Break Your Limits has developed a technique to enable you to draw upon all of your positive and resourceful experiences to help you to gain any mental advantage that you require.  Whatever you need to achieve can be stacked in your favour by conditioning your mind to utilise your own experiences as an army of support.  All you need to do is proactively package your past references into little boxes to use at your leisure!

This technique draws on metaphor and imagery and needs a little bit of imagination, so make sure you’re starting it at a time when you’re feeling inspired or creative for the best possible start.  Have a glass of water to nourish your mind, sit comfortably, and enjoy!

Creating your lockbox of positive references

For the purpose of this exercise, we’re going to assume that you’re going to meet someone for the first time and you want them to see your compassionate and kind side.  You need to believe that you really are that way, and to do that, you need to stack the odds in your favour…

1. Begin to focus on what you want to achieve at the end of this encounter. It can be any time where you need to interact with someone to establish a positive first impression as a compassionate and kind person.
2. Think of the qualities that you possess which align with the target’s beliefs, morals, and principles.
3. Cast your mind back to references from the past where you have used these qualities. Draw on as many references as possible. They can be little trivial examples, such as demonstrating compassion by opening a window to let a bee fly out, or moving a frog from the side of the road… or maybe the time when you decided not to pull the legs and wings off a crane fly (that’s a daddy long-legs for the children amongst us – me included!). Or it could be a major act of kindness… helping an elderly person to cross the road, attending to someone as they fell in the street, or telling someone you loved them.
4. Now imagine a box in front of you. In this box you can store all of your memories and experiences to be of benefit to you. You can start to sift through the memories you collected earlier in order to find the really resourceful ones. Anything that will benefit you in this scenario should be copied and placed inside the box. When you’ve finished, close the box and lock it. All of the positive emotions will start to churn and brew and gain intensity.
5. Next, imagine a concrete mould to your left. In this mould you can pour all of the instances where you have failed to utilise these qualities. For every time you pulled the legs off the crane fly, stick it in the concrete mould. For every time you laughed at someone trip or fall over, stick it in the concrete mould. Any instance of a negative behaviour which goes against your desired state… put it in the concrete mould. Eventually you’ll have put every negative state into the mould. Now lock them out forever by setting every reference deep inside the mould. Take the hardened block and bury it deep into the ground behind you. If concrete can contain radioactive material then surely it can keep your negative references away!
6. By now your lockbox of positive references should be ready to open up! Unlock the box and embrace the energy of the positive emotions. Really get immersed in them and draw upon the positivity within them. Really start to understand them and how they have made you into the person that you are and will be for the future.
7. Lock the box again and put it safely in your inside pocket. These are your references and your memories. You can use them whenever you want and you will feel the benefit of them. Keep going back to the box a couple of times a day. Eventually they will become an intrinsic part of you. You won’t need to use the box all the time, but it will always be there to serve you.

Once you have competed this technique, you can take time to repeat it for other resourceful states. Amongst my collection I have boxes to give me:

• Confidence
• Determination
• Compassion
• Competitive drive
• Phobia cure
• Challenging fears

and many more too!

Let us know how you get on with this technique and how it feels. Everybody has a slightly different approach, so experiment with it. Use this technique as a blueprint, try it on your friends, and give us some feedback. All we ask is that you credit Break Your Limits where possible, and give some feedback!

If you would like further help with this technique or any other element of NLP, you can enquire about a private session by emailing info@breakyourlimits.co.uk.

It’s inevitable that one day we will all experience the upset of being told that someone close to us is seriously ill and may not survive. It’s natural for when that time comes, we’ll completely change character for a period of time before settling back to our normal routine. Everything that we hold true as morals and principles and traits may well start to fall away from us as we question everything that we once held true. This is perfectly normal – you’ve just had a massive shock to your routine and systems. Whilst our mortality is an inevitable fact, we still don’t properly accept or understand it until someone close is affected.

Even if you’re prepared for it, the true implications probably won’t sink in until the day actually arrives. I know this is true with me. I’ve probably had one of the worst weeks of my life and I’m not saying that lightly. This week alone I attended a funeral on Tuesday, on Wednesday my grandad was diagnosed with having cancer, and there was another family funeral on Friday. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s not the greatest week one could have!

Clearly I’m distrought at all of this news, and it’s a terrible time for all of the family and a massive energy drain. Despite all of this, I remain positive and as upbeat as possible through these hard times. I won’t lie; I’m extremely upset and frustrated – maybe even at times angry and bitter at nature – and want to ask why nature has dealt such a cruel blow when things were all going so smoothly… but by the same token I’m content in the knowledge that I’ve been given a kick to push for even more from myself and that the family will be brought together in unison. It’s a real push-pull of emotions and it can be incredibly difficult to manage and maintain positive focus.

So given the series of trauma and my natural reactions, how have I managed to keep going and gain some positives and write this article?

In a few short words: Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques, and lots of faith and trust in my own capacity to deal with life’s challenges.

I’ve been using two key techniques that we use in Neuro-Linguistic Programming which are commonly used for conflict resolution and phobias. Surely enough, dealing with bereavement is connected with our fear of loss and change, whilst we are in conflict with our own feelings about how we should deal with the situation. I’m sure that if you’ve dealt with bereavement you will have rapidly changed your mood and been upbeat one minute, then feeling guilty and low the next.

This is a perfectly normal reaction and is absolutely fine. It can often be an ease on your emotions to adopt a few mental management techniques. For my own benefit, I’ve found that one of the most supportive techniques that you can apply is the technique:

Perceptual Positions to deal with serious illness and bereavement or the death of a loved one

1. Put yourself into your own perspective and play out what’s happening in the present. See, hear, and feel everything that’s happening. This is an emotionally intense time for you, so it may be difficult at first to truly connect. Experience what’s really happening around you, and how it makes you feel. Be aware of exactly how you’re feeling and how your body language, words, and emotions are affecting the current situation.
2. Now put yourself into the position of the person that you’re emotional or mourning for. Picture the scene from their perspective. How do they feel? How do your reactions affect them? What do you need to do to make their experience of the situation better? What are they telling you to do? If they were fit and healthy what would they be telling you to do?
3. Thirdly, put yourself in the position of a third person. Someone that you admire. Ideally an outsider with no direct emotional link to the situation. This could be someone in your personal life that you admire or respect, or it could be a famous person. Whoever it is, it should be someone that you respect and admire. See the current scene played out from their eyes. How do they interpret your actions? How would they do things differently? What would you need to change to please this person of respect? What would they be saying to you that would enforce a change inside of you?
4. Now sit back and evaluate what you have learned. From what you have learned, what would need to change to make this new behaviour possible? Would this new behaviour be of benefit to you and those around you? Would these changes make the situation better to deal with? Are there any negative implications of this new behaviour?
5. If you are not entirely happy with your new position, repeat the process and substitute the unfavourable experiences for new refined and improved ones. Keep repeating the process until you are happy that you have a formula that will be of benefit to you. Remember that your old behaviour did once serve you, however it is now time to let go and adopt this new approach which will make your experience more positive and will help those around you to benefit also.
6. Once you are comfortable with this change, go back into playing out the scene from your own perspective, but this time act it out with your new, better serving, manageable approach. How does this new approach feel? Is it right? Does it serve you better than your old behaviour? If so, try to repeat the process of seeing the new approach twice a day until it’s firmly embedded in your mind. Play it out so that no other eventuality is possible and you’re able to conduct yourself in this way for real. It will soon become as much a part of your reality as anything else and will in time feel natural and right.

Upon completing the process, you will have a greater capacity to take a little bit of the edge off the pain and intensity, or even detach from the intensity of the situation completely. Sure enough you will still feel some upset, however you’ll be much better equipped to deal with the situation and pull through it stronger and more resilient.

There is certainly honour in dealing with illness and bereavement in this way, and there can be no feelings of disrespect in your mind. I know it’s often hard to “act like normal” because it appears as though you’re not being respectful, but in truth we’re only ever mourning for our own loss. The most important thing is to stay strong and maintain a good support network whilst using the above technique to manage your emotions.

If you would like to try an alternative technique, I will soon publish another article outlining a technique which enables you to break from the intensity of the situation by interpreting the scene it as though you are watching it from the outside. It’s a technique used in NLP usually to cure fears and phobias, and I’ve found it to transfer perfectly into situations of loss and upset. You will effectively cut out a lot of the emotional attachment that doesn’t serve you productively. We’re all human, so you’ll still have emotional attachment, but this technique will help you to manage your emotions and get more positivity and quality time out of the unfortunate situation. I will share this technique with you in the coming days – for now I must support my family!

EDIT 7th July 2009: Since writing this article, my grandfather has sadly passed away. He died peacefully in his sleep. Thank you to everybody for your kind words of condolence.